A Letter That I'll Never Send You

Hi Guys,

This blog post is for all those people who couldn't be with someone they wanted to, had one-sided relationships, or were just not lucky when it came to love. The people who feel they'll end up alone but still are hopelessly romantic, those who keep hating on romantic movies for them not being realistic but still can't stop themselves from not watching them.

Dear 'the one who ruined my life',

Hi, How're you?

It's been a few days since we last talked. I remember how happy and positive you were that day. It was the only good thing that happened to me the whole week (if not month). 

But, I'm starting to miss you now. 

I have things to say, things that have been in my mind, about you, me and us. But I'm too scared to say them. what If I complicate things between us, to a point where we even stop ours once in 3 weeks conversations. I can't lose you for you're my first love and I can't imagine a life where we can't even be friends. But I can't keep my thoughts to myself anymore, I'm tired and exhausted. So I'm writing you this letter, a letter that I'll never send you.

It's silly and actually really stupid the way I think about you while I know I'm just like any other friend to you. But love is stupid, isn't it? You don't even realize and soon you become this person that you never thought you would become and you do things you never thought you would ever do.
Not many of my friends know about you. I never really talked about you, you know,  I didn't want to jinx it but here we are, years later, and I still don't have you. I want to tell them, heck, If I could, I would tell it to each and every person in the world but for this to be true we both need to be together which I know will never happen.

Anyway, those who know me really well, tell me to 'move on', 'find someone else', 'you can get someone better' but what they don't understand is that I don't want to move on, how can I find someone else when I already have you and they don't really know what's better for me, do they?

There's something that I want to tell you, there are days when I feel like I know everything about you, how old you are going to be this year, which college did you go to, which area do you live in, which phone you own and since I’ve been friends with you for a very long time, I just know that you're in a bad mood just by how you type ‘ok’ instead of ‘okay’ or you replace your casual 'hhhhmm' with 'hm'. 

But there are times when I ask myself, "Do I really know you?"
I don't know which movie you claim to be your favourite and which movie is actually your favourite, I don't know what you prefer to do on a weekend, I don't know if you're still seeing that person you mentioned a few weeks back, I don't know what you're doing at the moment or what you did last day or even last week.

And it really creeps me out how somedays I feel I know you in and out and other days I am not even sure if I know you at all. How one day I can answer everything about you but some days I feel like you are nothing but a known stranger.

You have never been an easy person to understand but that's what made me fall for you at the first place. It kills me when you tell me about how you went on a date and how it might turn out to be something real. But if this is what really makes you happy then I'll be fine seeing you with someone else because I'm the coward one and for you deserve all the happiness in life.

It's not that I don't meet other people. I've and things even got serious but then again, nothing could fill this void. It's like my heart is like a puzzle, and only you have the right pieces to complete it. Or imagine it like how sometimes people just play songs in the background, doing their work and not really caring about the song, but it's still there. 

You're always there, at the back of my mind, I can go days and weeks not thinking about you. But when I do, I can't stop. I keep going back to our old conversations, re-reading and trying to understand something out of it. I didn't even know I'm capable of loving someone so strongly but look what you did to me and I don't know if to hate you or love you more for it.

I wish I had the courage to tell you how much you mean to me and how far I can go to make this work, how beautiful it all can be, and how happy we both will be together. But I guess it's just meant to be this way. Thank you for making me feel this strong feeling of love and Fuck you for not being there to actually witness it with.

Maybe there will finally come a day when I will actually get over you, the day when I'll meet someone. But I don't know if I'll ever be ready to actually live that day.

Love,
Me.


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