Losing myself

It's strange how every passing day i feel less and less in tune with myself, not liking the things i used to love at some point, not relating to the people i used to feel the closest to, and how my mood fluctuates from being sad to sometimes angry and then just anxious.

 

anxious

anxious about what am I doing? maybe i am not doing it enough? why am I overdoing it? anxious about how I am stuck when everyone around me seems to be running, what are they running towards though? how are people just happy? i know everyone's life is fucked up in some way and people have their own way of dealing with things, but some people are genuinely happy, what do they know that I don't? when were we taught about this and where was I? How some of my friends just don't understand my humor now, and how are their priorities in life so different than mine?  what are even my priorities? I have no clue.

I have no clue how I went from being so passionate about life to now just barely making it through. 'Why don't you take it one day at a time? you should forget worrying about the future and live in the present'. it's not that easy, is it? how many times have you seen people figuring their shit out just living in the present? isn't our past is linked to our present which in turn is linked to our future. how can you live in the moment but also think about where you want to be 5 years from now. i guess it works out for some people and i envy those people, or maybe it feels like it worked out for them but maybe they didn't even want it in the first place. what do I know? I know nothing.

Except, i do know, maybe I know a lot more than I should know and that is the problem. sometimes i wonder how much easier and less dramatic would life be if it weren't for me to overthink everything in my life. I recently started a new job and you know what's crazy? how I keep waiting for the week to end so i could take a break from work but then when i am not working I think about how I'd rather work than to again think about how messed up my life and in general, this world is.

o m g, how fucked up is this world we are living in? so many people have died because of a pandemic and some people still can not do the bare minimum of staying at home, so much of racism, homophobia, sexism, and what not? people canceling celebrities only for them to gain more popularity, guys still talking about women empowerment but still disrespecting women every chance they get!? how people continue to misgender other people, like how hard is it to just use someone's preferred pronouns? and people don't understand them? you don't understand simple English grammar? how is a guy kissing a guy is harmful to your kids and 'you' won't accept it because it makes 'you' uncomfortable? what makes 'you' think that 'you' are that important? just the fact that other people are the decider of the fact if the other group deserves.. basic rights? what the hell is that about?

I am sorry, i guess i got a bit lost typing all this and I forgot why i even started. but yes, I think I am losing myself, I think I am forgetting things how I once used to know them, or is this me really finding who i am? what if it's not me forgetting things but unlearning the stupid stuff so as to make space for more important things in life? I don't know, but what i do know, some days i don't recognize what kinda person I have become and I am scared to even think about what the future holds.

and let me tell you, it's not easy, to lose yourself because at some level you could still be okay with other people not understanding you, even your closest friends but it is scary when you stop understanding yourself.