Adulthood

It was around 5:24 PM on a random Friday evening when it finally happened, the moment I realized that I am a grown-up now and there's no turning back. Don't get me wrong, I am almost 24 and have lived independently in a different country for over 2 years, I have had various realizations in the past few years but this was a major one and hence I am going to share about it on the internet. 

So basically, it was raining heavily Friday evening, and by heavily I mean, HEAVILY. Till a few years ago when I was still 'young', I remember how whenever it would rain, I would rush to my terrace to just enjoy the rain or at least stand at the door near the balcony and just look at the rain, listening to it as it pours. Rains for me have always been special, it would always bring this weird kind of calmness, as if nothing matters and all the problems in my life will eventually fade away, very similar to how the rains clouds form, they pour and eventually just fade away, getting rid of the dark sky. I don't feel so strongly about them now since I have lived in Ireland [if you know you know].

But this time, I didn't grab the keys and ran to the terrace, I didn't stand near the balcony of my room to let that cold breeze hit my face, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID DO? I closed the door as it was creating a disturbance in the background and I was on a work call and also had to actively participate in it. I mean, yeah, I eventually got off the call, though it had stopped raining by then and the weather was pretty much the same but it just dawned on me, 'Fuck, is this what growing up is?'. 

It immediately reminded me of the time in Dublin, when it snowed for the first time that year, and luckily I got to experience the snowfall along with the other people at my accommodation but one of my friends was at her part-time job and didn't even realize it was snowing until she finished her shift. I am sure that was her moment, and you reading this, must have had your own unique moment of realization, or maybe you are yet to, or maybe you just aren't that dramatic. 

Anywayyyy, I messaged a friend about it, mentioning to them how I had this realization today and they weren't available at the moment and then probably just forgot to reply, which further made me feel how fucking weird it is to be an adult? 

People around me are mostly unavailable, going through something, always tired, or just existing. Some of us suck at texting, some at calling, some are genuinely so occupied with 10 different things, some are just emotionally unavailable for the moment. Like, we wake up, go/log in to work, work, and then do other pending stuff over the weekend, and that's about it. (fuck capitalism) 

One thing no one told me about growing up is how fucking lonely it gets. You do have friends, maybe a lot of them but maybe you are not in a mood to talk? and maybe when you do want to talk the other person isn't there. More than that, there's not much to talk about?? especially during this pandemic!? we are just at home, with nothing exciting going on, we are not going out on events, we are not meeting new people, you can't go out on dates, basically, nothing to TALK ABOUT. 

Everyone is going through shit, you reconnect with people you haven't talked in a while but there's this awkwardness for some reason, and then you have these close friends who even if you talk to once in a month, it's all the same. BUT I don't know why but adulthood feels so lonely!!! Some of my friends keep achieving things and are progressing in life and some are just stuck in the same place for the past few years, the level of relatability keeps changing from time to time, maybe you don't relate to the people who you used to a few years back, it doesn't mean you don't like them now but just that you have outgrown each other and it's such an awful feeling??? 

I don't know if any of this makes sense, I mean, we have no choice, we all HAVE TO keep moving ahead in life, which makes it both good and bad. we lose people on the way, meet some new, some people stay throughout, some don't. Some cry over how single they are and some about how they feel so restricted being in a relationship, some of my friends are already talking about how they will be married in 2 years from now and some still have no idea what are they even doing in life. Even after all these different kinds of people around, it somehow still feels so lonely? And that isn't a bad thing necessarily? sometimes you have to be by yourself to figure some stuff out. I think most of us fail to realize that other people are probably going through a similar experience, maybe not to the same intensity as us but they do. 

And well, there is no conclusion to this post, I mean it's your own fault if you expected it to have a definite ending. I would just say, even though we all feel lonely, at least we feel it together?