uummm, I don't know.

I don't know if this post would make sense, I have no title idea, as of when I am writing this, and these days I am anyway failing to collect all my thoughts together and make some sense out of them. It could be because I am myself not sure what and why I feel the way I feel or maybe my mind is already too over-crowded by other thoughts leading to no clarity about even a single one of those thoughts.

But I want to start by putting this question out there, do you think you are passionate about something in life? I just don't mean professionally or like career-wise but like anything, do you feel strongly for/against some idea/moment, or are you obsessed with some tv show or some actor? Honestly, I don't know how it is to really strongly connect with something,

 I feel like I have never really felt passionate about something, I don't know.. If I have not found my 'calling' yet or whatever it is. Like sure there are some movies I love, some songs I listen on repeat, some actors I admire, some shows I binge-watched but it would always be in an... appropriate (!?) amount. Maybe I could easily blame everything for being an indecisive person. Or it could be the fact that I get bored with things easily? Or maybe it's just that I have always been bad at expressing myself in certain situations OR maybe I just feel like I don't 'fit' in. You see how many reasons I gave about being the way I am and still being unsure about what it really is!? That's what I am talking about! (Not to confuse it with taking a stand for the things I believe in and speaking up against something I disagree with)

Coming back to the point of not feeling that I fit in a certain 'area'/'category'. I am sure it's not just me but do you ever feel like there are times when you are surrounded by so many people, people with different opinions and interests, talking about something but you just zone out? Have you experienced such times in life when you’re with a group of people and you feel like that you just need to silently and subtly leave the conversation that those people are having and just let them be?

I don’t think it’s necessary to feel bad about it but what can one really do in this situation?
You can’t just abandon everyone and be on your own, can you? I mean I do think about the possibility of it, But you also can’t be an active part of the conversation because that’s just worse than not being there at all. I guess it might be because I feel some people are way too pretentious and fake and just say things to make other feel people good but this is the society we live in right, we have to participate and say things and just be out there and just fit in. But also it's 2020 so fuck society, I guess?

But then I ask myself, Isn’t everyone trying to ‘fit in’ in some way or the other? I guess some people are just better at pretending than others? 

You might think that this is where the 'friends' part comes into play. surrounding yourself with people with similar interests or like to have things in common,  But you could very well have friends but still, feel the same way, or is it just me? Because I am pretty sure most of my friends just don't really 'get' me and maybe some of them feel the same way about me ( but they don't have a weird online blog with like 10 readers to write about it? HA!) 

I have no idea if any of this makes sense. I am writing this at 6am in the morning with no sleep, having worked the entire day, and have to be back at work in 5 hours. But all I am saying is, you grow up and get to witness different phases of life and meet so many different people on the way, and you could make the best of friends along the way but still feel alienated? It's like being on a street with all these cars but all you see are the street lights and the street. And uummm, I don't know how to feel about that.

Ok, Bye.

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